Friday, March 25, 2011

Beatiful, Scandalous, Nightmares.

It's been a long time.

A really long time.

We'll skip the silly intro about the reasons for my absence...I just like sharing ideas. Does there need to be a regularity to my sharing?


Not in my mind.

Something I have been struggling with lately has been how I respond to sin in my life, and is feeling guilty AFTER I have repented, God-given or an extension of the Devil's work?

In my Bible study we are currently discussing Hebrews, and last night we revisted a passage I had been to many times about how Jesus suffered through EVERY temptation so that He could CONQUER every type of sin that followed.

After rememebering that Jesus had gone through every temptation, I discovered that he went through, and conquered, the temptation to feel worldly guilt as well

...exactly what I had been struggling with.

There is a BIG difference between Godly-guilt, and Worldy-guilt.

"God's guilt" (often "conviction") comes before the repentence, before one recognizes their flesh had got the best of them.

The guilt that remains AFTER I say sorry, is given to me by the the Devil...and tells me:

"I should have known better" "My reputation is marred" "People will look at me badly now"....

and other bullshit like that.

Last night when I realized that God doesnt call for that guilt I carry around after I repent...I was elated.

I felt a freedom I haven't in a while.

After a long night of great discussion (both at Bible Study and Addison's that followed), I laid in my bed exhausted

....and extremely happy.

I looked up to my celing and told my God outloud, "I love you...and you are the best....THE BEST...I don't want another God...I know you are THE one..."

I then outstretched my arm...let God hold it for a second. And with a smile I drifted asleep.

I felt like the luckiest girl in the world at that moment.
My sin was conquered guilt taken away.
I was reminded for the night the beauty of it all...and peace was on its way.

Needless to say the devil was pissed.

Ulterly fuming.

The hand of guilt that he extended to me so long was ripped away by my Savior....and he hated that.....

So later that night, in my dreams he let me know exactly how he felt about me...and once again tried throwing some guilt my direction to see if I wanted another taste.

Last night I had a nightmare where I watched myself fall into every type of temptation.

....even murder.

I watched myself fight with friends.
I watched myself murder because of jealousy.
I watched myself lie.
I watched myself cheat.
I watched myself lust.

I woke up several times during the dream and begged God to let me go back to sleep and NOT keep dreaming of these things..

but that didn't happen.

Every time I returned to sleep, I returned to a new sin I was taking part in.

When I woke up for the final time, well before my alarm at 6:45,...I was SHOCKED.

Shocked at the mere fact that the Devil would even attempt to make me feel guilt again.

....even if it was my actions from a dream that ushered in the guilt.

After laying in my bed, realizing how utterly ridiculous the attempt from the devil was, I realized God was with me in that moment as well (like he always is)

While the Devil was trying to get me to turn back to a pattern of guilt after repentance through this dream, God was showing me everything I had died to when Jesus died.

God was walking me through what my life would be without Jesus.

God was making Hebrews 2:18 "Because He himself suffered through every temptation, he is able to help those who are being tempted"...... come to life.

As I lay in my bed, shocked at whirling thoughts and emotions I had...God was asking me...

"Do you beleive you were capable of this?"
"Do you understand Jesus walked through this?"
"Do you beleive all of this died in you when My Son died?"

I cried.

.....all the way to work

...and am crying in the tiny cubicle I sit in as I write this now.

How beautiful that God revealed the darkest parts of my soul in a dream...only to remind me that guilt from any of these is not from Him

...that the death that all these bring no longer seeks MY name.

...the hounds of death can no longer track my scent.

....the cancer of death no longer invades my cells.

A temptation from the devil in a dream, that slowly turned into a reminder from God.